Whenever I'm facing circumstances in which I may get hurt I find my mind running through the worst case scenarios.
I do no mean this in a negative way however my theory goes like this,
the more I make the lest case scenario more real the less it hurts me if it actually occurs. And if it doesn't, as one would hope it wouldn't, then I am happy.
That's not pessimistic right?
Friday, 30 August 2013
Saturday, 24 August 2013
Here again
So there it is again,
Sitting on my partners couch as he answers the drunk phone to a screaming girl.
My existence goes unmentioned and I try to pretend it does not concern me as I sit salient on the couch.
This feeling,
I've always wondered if this feeling makes my heart race faster or slower.
Either way I feel horrid.
I sink the rest of my wine still hearing the murmurs of conversation from a room I have escaped.
Moment like this make us think.
Is this fear a result of something we should truly be concerned about or is it learnt from all the past exs who taught us we couldn't trust.
I watch a scene unfolds parallel to that I've experienced before. I feel sick, horrified, disgusted. I want to run, hide, leave, escape.
What am I doing here?
Sitting on my partners couch as he answers the drunk phone to a screaming girl.
My existence goes unmentioned and I try to pretend it does not concern me as I sit salient on the couch.
This feeling,
I've always wondered if this feeling makes my heart race faster or slower.
Either way I feel horrid.
I sink the rest of my wine still hearing the murmurs of conversation from a room I have escaped.
Moment like this make us think.
Is this fear a result of something we should truly be concerned about or is it learnt from all the past exs who taught us we couldn't trust.
I watch a scene unfolds parallel to that I've experienced before. I feel sick, horrified, disgusted. I want to run, hide, leave, escape.
What am I doing here?
Sunday, 18 August 2013
Take this ring, store it safe away. Ill wear it on another rainy day.
Sometimes I wish I was stupid.
To be one of those people who are completely shocked when their partner has cheated on them.
I wish I didn't see the signs that lead up to those moments.
Why?
Because the signs are common, human even.
In every relationship there will be moments when signs pop up, but you can't condemn someone for the little slip ups or strayed intent.
My new partner is going away to see a friend. The friend has no name when they are brought up, they are just a friend. No back story, no explanation, no general mention.
I know the friends name because I'm not stupid.
I refuse to be in a relationship which snoop around each others phones etc but I've seen messages from her because she's messaged whilst he has been driving or making us dinner.
I don't believe he will do anything with her, but I do know he is placing himself in a position of temptation. If it wasn't she wouldn't be hidden from my knowledge.
As my stomach sinks with news of his departure I remind myself he is human, I am human. I have learnt to worry without showing jealousy because of my past, perhaps him hiding her is a learnt behaviour from a jealous ex in.the past?
I cannot judge, I will not judge.
I trust him, yes, it seems he is playing with fire but who hasn't. It doesn't set actions in stone or prove the worst intent is true. So I have no real concern.
After all if he were to act upon his rather poor intent I would do what I have learnt from experience. I would get on with life.
To be one of those people who are completely shocked when their partner has cheated on them.
I wish I didn't see the signs that lead up to those moments.
Why?
Because the signs are common, human even.
In every relationship there will be moments when signs pop up, but you can't condemn someone for the little slip ups or strayed intent.
My new partner is going away to see a friend. The friend has no name when they are brought up, they are just a friend. No back story, no explanation, no general mention.
I know the friends name because I'm not stupid.
I refuse to be in a relationship which snoop around each others phones etc but I've seen messages from her because she's messaged whilst he has been driving or making us dinner.
I don't believe he will do anything with her, but I do know he is placing himself in a position of temptation. If it wasn't she wouldn't be hidden from my knowledge.
As my stomach sinks with news of his departure I remind myself he is human, I am human. I have learnt to worry without showing jealousy because of my past, perhaps him hiding her is a learnt behaviour from a jealous ex in.the past?
I cannot judge, I will not judge.
I trust him, yes, it seems he is playing with fire but who hasn't. It doesn't set actions in stone or prove the worst intent is true. So I have no real concern.
After all if he were to act upon his rather poor intent I would do what I have learnt from experience. I would get on with life.
Saturday, 3 August 2013
Home sick
The biggest shock out of moving out of home isn't the laundry or bills. It's the first time you cry.
Every time you burst into tears in your family home, help is only a wall away. Someone is always around the corner to hold you.
When you move out of home suddenly your alone, completely alone.
Every sob is unheard, every tear invisible... Suddenly it hits you.
Your alone.
I've never missed home so much.
Every time you burst into tears in your family home, help is only a wall away. Someone is always around the corner to hold you.
When you move out of home suddenly your alone, completely alone.
Every sob is unheard, every tear invisible... Suddenly it hits you.
Your alone.
I've never missed home so much.
Sunday, 28 July 2013
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Today is a splendid winters day. I sit on the harbours edge watching the streams of light through the water ripple up and down with the sound of boats clinking and kids screaming at the local theme park.
This spot has been confined to only happy memories of late night swims, bottles of wine and anonymous affairs. I come here to think.
Today a childhood friend announced his engagement, although not surprising, it is a shock to see someone a year junior to me in such a secure, blissful state.
My day yesterday shows the stark contrast between my own life development and his.
Whilst he slipped a ring on to his young fiancées finger not having even left university yet, I the university graduate had to come to terms with my feelings of insignificance in light of my partners ex.
Every time we are together she calls. She calls, she messages, she snapchats, she facebooks. If she turned up on the doorstep I would not be overly shocked.
I do not want her to be abesnt in his life, she is a big part of him.
But as the new girl my feelings of vulnerability are truly heightened in light of her persistent and constant contact.
Does he answer the calls when I'm around? No. Does he text her? No. Does he look at the snap chats? No.
Am I naive enough to think he doesn't when I'm not? No.
Do I believe they were still having sex when we first hooked up? Maybe.
Do I think they are having sex now? No.
Do I think she would? Yes.
Do I think he would? I truly don't know.
But why does it bother me? More to the point why does it matter.
Yes there is a visible difference between my life and my friends, but I do not want marriage or kids right now.
I do however know I want for once to be in a relationship where I feel secure and actually like the person.
With douche bag número UNO I was madly in love but never secure, with the sweet lanky lady boy I was always secure but never in love.
So now I stand here holding the hand of a guy who is moving state, has an overly attached ex and openly admitted they broke up because he wanted to have some fun hoping maybe he may actually like me and even offer me security. It's absurd when I know psychologically he may just be falling into this relationship because relationships are all he knows... It's absurd when I know he is moving away... It's absurd when his ex is clearly still in love with him... It's absurd because I don't want to get hurt yet I'm allowing myself to fall into this.
The only thing more absurd is how I can sit on the edge of this wharf and know I will continue to see him.
Why?
Well, he makes me laugh... I feel happy, healthy even. So maybe it's just something that needs to happen.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
This spot has been confined to only happy memories of late night swims, bottles of wine and anonymous affairs. I come here to think.
Today a childhood friend announced his engagement, although not surprising, it is a shock to see someone a year junior to me in such a secure, blissful state.
My day yesterday shows the stark contrast between my own life development and his.
Whilst he slipped a ring on to his young fiancées finger not having even left university yet, I the university graduate had to come to terms with my feelings of insignificance in light of my partners ex.
Every time we are together she calls. She calls, she messages, she snapchats, she facebooks. If she turned up on the doorstep I would not be overly shocked.
I do not want her to be abesnt in his life, she is a big part of him.
But as the new girl my feelings of vulnerability are truly heightened in light of her persistent and constant contact.
Does he answer the calls when I'm around? No. Does he text her? No. Does he look at the snap chats? No.
Am I naive enough to think he doesn't when I'm not? No.
Do I believe they were still having sex when we first hooked up? Maybe.
Do I think they are having sex now? No.
Do I think she would? Yes.
Do I think he would? I truly don't know.
But why does it bother me? More to the point why does it matter.
Yes there is a visible difference between my life and my friends, but I do not want marriage or kids right now.
I do however know I want for once to be in a relationship where I feel secure and actually like the person.
With douche bag número UNO I was madly in love but never secure, with the sweet lanky lady boy I was always secure but never in love.
So now I stand here holding the hand of a guy who is moving state, has an overly attached ex and openly admitted they broke up because he wanted to have some fun hoping maybe he may actually like me and even offer me security. It's absurd when I know psychologically he may just be falling into this relationship because relationships are all he knows... It's absurd when I know he is moving away... It's absurd when his ex is clearly still in love with him... It's absurd because I don't want to get hurt yet I'm allowing myself to fall into this.
The only thing more absurd is how I can sit on the edge of this wharf and know I will continue to see him.
Why?
Well, he makes me laugh... I feel happy, healthy even. So maybe it's just something that needs to happen.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Sunday, 21 July 2013
Lazy days off
My days off always fill me with a juxtaposition of contentment and restlessness.
Sitting in my dimly lit dwelling watching the dancing flames of candles and the sound of feet passing on the street above, I contemplate how to spend my day.
I live in one of these most picturesque parts of my city with people well above my calibre. Multiple fine restaurants within a short walk and small niche boutiques.
The house are old yet well kept with landscaped gardens, picket fences and giant trees uprooting the old tar roads.
If I had a camera I would spend my days capturing its splendour and the secrets delights which are so often over looked.
Here I sit contemplating how to spend my day, seconds tick past as I grow forever anxious laying lazily on the middle of my bed.
What a joy it is to not have to move, what a waste it is to stay so still on such a stunning winters day.
Perhaps I should go to the library, the harbour, the cafe? Perhaps to an art gallery a short walk away?
Where I used to live I would walk hours just to go to the local grocery store and yet there I seemed to accomplish more in a day then I do here.
So where shall I go? What shall I see?
Tick, tick, tick..
Sitting in my dimly lit dwelling watching the dancing flames of candles and the sound of feet passing on the street above, I contemplate how to spend my day.
I live in one of these most picturesque parts of my city with people well above my calibre. Multiple fine restaurants within a short walk and small niche boutiques.
The house are old yet well kept with landscaped gardens, picket fences and giant trees uprooting the old tar roads.
If I had a camera I would spend my days capturing its splendour and the secrets delights which are so often over looked.
Here I sit contemplating how to spend my day, seconds tick past as I grow forever anxious laying lazily on the middle of my bed.
What a joy it is to not have to move, what a waste it is to stay so still on such a stunning winters day.
Perhaps I should go to the library, the harbour, the cafe? Perhaps to an art gallery a short walk away?
Where I used to live I would walk hours just to go to the local grocery store and yet there I seemed to accomplish more in a day then I do here.
So where shall I go? What shall I see?
Tick, tick, tick..
Tremendous changes
It has been such a long time since I have written in this blog, perhaps because lately I have not been as mentally tormented as I was prior. Perhaps I have been to buried in my work? My newly found love life?
The scratches I spoke about earlier were deep enough to turn into faint scars and the past lovers I have confessed so much about have all left town.
The last few months I have found myself drifting between a career which is going tremendously, unexpected parties due to the talented people I have met and whom i am now proud to call my friends and a drunken night which has blossomed into a seemingly healthy relationship.
I have achieved more in one of my jobs then I ever assumed I could achieve even if my entire life had been dedicated to it.
I run a business successfully, clean my room regularly and my skin has cleared up perfectly.
I have gained weight and found it tolerable.
I have read more, ate more and god knows I have laughed more then ever.
Life right now is beautiful and forgiving compared to earlier this year.
It seems as though I have finally found my feet.
This I could live with forever.
The scratches I spoke about earlier were deep enough to turn into faint scars and the past lovers I have confessed so much about have all left town.
The last few months I have found myself drifting between a career which is going tremendously, unexpected parties due to the talented people I have met and whom i am now proud to call my friends and a drunken night which has blossomed into a seemingly healthy relationship.
I have achieved more in one of my jobs then I ever assumed I could achieve even if my entire life had been dedicated to it.
I run a business successfully, clean my room regularly and my skin has cleared up perfectly.
I have gained weight and found it tolerable.
I have read more, ate more and god knows I have laughed more then ever.
Life right now is beautiful and forgiving compared to earlier this year.
It seems as though I have finally found my feet.
This I could live with forever.
Monday, 13 May 2013
If I could separate the soul into fragmented physical pieces right now I would stand in a brick room learing over my 18 year old self. She would cower into a corner as I screamed "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS YOU SLUT!! How could you fall in love"
I'd slam her head into the wall three times, screaming in agony over what is yet to become of her... "You stupid bitch... You stupid stupid bitch!"
She'd fall into a corner crying, stammering to find the words to describe how she feels about him.... How I felt. I could sit and hold her... Tell her I understood but god knows I'd leave her in a pool of blood, confused, ashamed... Ugly.
Do you not understand?
This is what I do every night... A small part of me is punished... Bruised, pulled... Can you see it?
I'd slam her head into the wall three times, screaming in agony over what is yet to become of her... "You stupid bitch... You stupid stupid bitch!"
She'd fall into a corner crying, stammering to find the words to describe how she feels about him.... How I felt. I could sit and hold her... Tell her I understood but god knows I'd leave her in a pool of blood, confused, ashamed... Ugly.
Do you not understand?
This is what I do every night... A small part of me is punished... Bruised, pulled... Can you see it?
Its 1:30 am. I sit and run my hands over a series of long raised sticky lines along my chest... The sting numbs my head as I close my cloudy eyes.
Three lost of news struck my confused ears tonight.... 1. I was used for sex 2. The man who loved me loves me no more 3. The man who thought he could love me found some else.
I sit numb in the cab... Why do I care? Why would I?
I've been contemplating for weeks taking a vow of celibacy till marriage, so why is this news such a weight on my soul? Why do I struggle to breathe or find my sense of worth in these circumstances of perspective.
I laugh until I cannot breathe before locking myself behind our heavy wooden bathroom door. My knees give way as a part of me consumes itself in self mutilation. Scratches to my breast and thighs. My fists punch my upper arm....
You worthless breath of life ... My head hisses into the painful thuds of pain.
How daft your sinful self Is!
How could this ever change for you?
Your used... Dried up.
No one could love you now.
Die... Die... Die
I wrap myself tight in my Doona and expel my thoughts to paper as naturally as a breath of fresh air.
Sleep is all I wish for now.
Sleep so I manage tomorrow...
Tomorrow so I live through today...
Today so one day I accept this..
Let it be over... Over... Over.... Please?
Three lost of news struck my confused ears tonight.... 1. I was used for sex 2. The man who loved me loves me no more 3. The man who thought he could love me found some else.
I sit numb in the cab... Why do I care? Why would I?
I've been contemplating for weeks taking a vow of celibacy till marriage, so why is this news such a weight on my soul? Why do I struggle to breathe or find my sense of worth in these circumstances of perspective.
I laugh until I cannot breathe before locking myself behind our heavy wooden bathroom door. My knees give way as a part of me consumes itself in self mutilation. Scratches to my breast and thighs. My fists punch my upper arm....
You worthless breath of life ... My head hisses into the painful thuds of pain.
How daft your sinful self Is!
How could this ever change for you?
Your used... Dried up.
No one could love you now.
Die... Die... Die
I wrap myself tight in my Doona and expel my thoughts to paper as naturally as a breath of fresh air.
Sleep is all I wish for now.
Sleep so I manage tomorrow...
Tomorrow so I live through today...
Today so one day I accept this..
Let it be over... Over... Over.... Please?
Monday, 18 March 2013
Such a nice boulder
The company I have to look forward to sharing my night with:
-Two couples all of who are extremely affectionate (see inserted picture below)
-One girl who hates my guts and shuts down everything I say (reason for hatred unknown)
-hatred girls best mate who enjoys playing up other girls hatred (perhaps the original cause)
-My ex who likes hatred girl and will either fight with me or flirt with her
-One couple who ends every night in a screaming match and panic attack
Tonight is the one night a week I enjoy going to,
I enjoyed it much more when it was simply people who appreciated the scene and didn't use it to get trashed.
Needless to say tonight I do not drink in fear I will finally snap and for the first time in my life punch some body in the nuts (or perhaps the ovaries)
Ultimately, if it was my choice, I'd spend my night with my legs wrapped around a guy (my eye candy of the month) until we burnt every calorie consumed away in a sweaty, kinky, spine tingling romp fest.
Of course my night will not be spent this way... It will instead be spent with the ex kissing my forehead every time another guy glances at me whilst still managing to stare at the tits of hatred girl.
Now excuse me as I go upstairs to be shoot down with glares and at some point have someone hump on or beside me ...
That really is a nice boulder.
-Two couples all of who are extremely affectionate (see inserted picture below)
-One girl who hates my guts and shuts down everything I say (reason for hatred unknown)
-hatred girls best mate who enjoys playing up other girls hatred (perhaps the original cause)
-My ex who likes hatred girl and will either fight with me or flirt with her
-One couple who ends every night in a screaming match and panic attack
Tonight is the one night a week I enjoy going to,
I enjoyed it much more when it was simply people who appreciated the scene and didn't use it to get trashed.
Needless to say tonight I do not drink in fear I will finally snap and for the first time in my life punch some body in the nuts (or perhaps the ovaries)
Ultimately, if it was my choice, I'd spend my night with my legs wrapped around a guy (my eye candy of the month) until we burnt every calorie consumed away in a sweaty, kinky, spine tingling romp fest.
Of course my night will not be spent this way... It will instead be spent with the ex kissing my forehead every time another guy glances at me whilst still managing to stare at the tits of hatred girl.
Now excuse me as I go upstairs to be shoot down with glares and at some point have someone hump on or beside me ...
That really is a nice boulder.
Sunday, 17 March 2013
Two comments said to me in the past week.
1. "You should be a pornstar" ... Excuse me while I set my ambitions a little higher
2. "I want you to sit on my face" .... And some girls get asked out to dinner
Lets clear some stuff up.
I am a tomboy, I love winter cause I hate showing skin, I have a flat chest, average looks and I am as sexy as a tranny on meth.
I don't offer men sex, I don't chase men. Infact I am painfully shy when I like someone.
I keep my nose in a book and head in the clouds.
But built into me is clearly a magnet for douches that says "hey! This chick will clearly fuck you side ways if you get her number"
Since I was 14, an awkward nerd who struggled with bullying, men have been trying to get me into bed without a single shred of chivalry.
Skip the candles, dinner, romance and love. Something about me even in my nerdy days screamed easy as though it was tattooed to my head.
I lost my virginity at the age of 17 drunk at a party to a guy I had no interest in...I did it because I needed to get rid of it.
Intimacy terrified me.. The only thing that terrified me more as the thought of being seen naked.
So there I sat pants less relieved the deed was done as my Romeo vomited into the toilet beside me. I thought finally... Now they will leave me alone.
They didn't. And slowly as I got thinner I discovered I could use my body to control men and slowly discovered I could use sex to clear my head for even just a few moments.
I cannot express how much I hate my body. I have never been fat, never above 59 kilos even though I am 5"8ft. But I loath every inch of my skin, every roll and curve.
The past year I dated an unbelievably supportive guy and slowly gained the kilos, unfortunately we weren't in love and when paradise ended and my slutty binge ( around the start of this blog) came to a holt I found myself realising how fat I am.
So here I stand, 56 kilos... Barely fat but so incredibly disgusting being hounded daily for sexwhilst wearing a sweater, jeans and boots, barely flirting or raising an eyebrow.
There is a neon sign somewhere... Attached to me that only men can see...
It says I am good to go.
Give her a prick, a lick then a kick.
I will find its off switch no matter how long or how many kilos it takes.
1. "You should be a pornstar" ... Excuse me while I set my ambitions a little higher
2. "I want you to sit on my face" .... And some girls get asked out to dinner
Lets clear some stuff up.
I am a tomboy, I love winter cause I hate showing skin, I have a flat chest, average looks and I am as sexy as a tranny on meth.
I don't offer men sex, I don't chase men. Infact I am painfully shy when I like someone.
I keep my nose in a book and head in the clouds.
But built into me is clearly a magnet for douches that says "hey! This chick will clearly fuck you side ways if you get her number"
Since I was 14, an awkward nerd who struggled with bullying, men have been trying to get me into bed without a single shred of chivalry.
Skip the candles, dinner, romance and love. Something about me even in my nerdy days screamed easy as though it was tattooed to my head.
I lost my virginity at the age of 17 drunk at a party to a guy I had no interest in...I did it because I needed to get rid of it.
Intimacy terrified me.. The only thing that terrified me more as the thought of being seen naked.
So there I sat pants less relieved the deed was done as my Romeo vomited into the toilet beside me. I thought finally... Now they will leave me alone.
They didn't. And slowly as I got thinner I discovered I could use my body to control men and slowly discovered I could use sex to clear my head for even just a few moments.
I cannot express how much I hate my body. I have never been fat, never above 59 kilos even though I am 5"8ft. But I loath every inch of my skin, every roll and curve.
The past year I dated an unbelievably supportive guy and slowly gained the kilos, unfortunately we weren't in love and when paradise ended and my slutty binge ( around the start of this blog) came to a holt I found myself realising how fat I am.
So here I stand, 56 kilos... Barely fat but so incredibly disgusting being hounded daily for sexwhilst wearing a sweater, jeans and boots, barely flirting or raising an eyebrow.
There is a neon sign somewhere... Attached to me that only men can see...
It says I am good to go.
Give her a prick, a lick then a kick.
I will find its off switch no matter how long or how many kilos it takes.
Friday, 15 March 2013
My eyes sting, my head pounds, my stomach cramps as though I completed fifty sit-ups... For the second time in my life... In this week, I purged.
My midnight binge now has the safe comfort of a sneaky vomit.
I feel proud as every bit leaves my body amidst all the pain... I feel relief.
Why do I indulge in this part of me?
For four years I kept it from everyone... Now it consumes me.
What will become of me if I continue this way?
My midnight binge now has the safe comfort of a sneaky vomit.
I feel proud as every bit leaves my body amidst all the pain... I feel relief.
Why do I indulge in this part of me?
For four years I kept it from everyone... Now it consumes me.
What will become of me if I continue this way?
My eyes sting, my head pounds, my stomach cramps as though I completed fifty sit-ups... For the second time in my life... In this week, I purged.
My midnight binge now has the safe comfort of a sneaky vomit.
I feel proud as every bit leaves my body amidst all the pain... I feel relief.
Why do I indulge in this part of me?
For four years I kept it from everyone... Now it consumes me.
What will become of me in this world?
My midnight binge now has the safe comfort of a sneaky vomit.
I feel proud as every bit leaves my body amidst all the pain... I feel relief.
Why do I indulge in this part of me?
For four years I kept it from everyone... Now it consumes me.
What will become of me in this world?
Saturday, 2 March 2013
Tonight I had a moment of sheer terror when my phone rang,
The guy I was seeing (I assumed no longer seeing asking to hang tonight)
I'm glad his plans are as flakey as his sex drive!
Today starts the long count down till the end of the year, a man I thought of for two years leaving yet again. Last night he took my breath away.
I miss him already.
The guy I was seeing (I assumed no longer seeing asking to hang tonight)
I'm glad his plans are as flakey as his sex drive!
Today starts the long count down till the end of the year, a man I thought of for two years leaving yet again. Last night he took my breath away.
I miss him already.
Friday, 1 March 2013
Contently high
My girlfriend and I had the greatest idea ever:)
We decided to explore the world of happy herbal highs...
Everything feels like a cloud, a wonderful pink marshmallow cloud.
Good work HHH.
Content and happy in my present life :)
Xxx
We decided to explore the world of happy herbal highs...
Everything feels like a cloud, a wonderful pink marshmallow cloud.
Good work HHH.
Content and happy in my present life :)
Xxx
Wednesday, 27 February 2013
Just gtfo
It's that moment when someone tells you to stick something out but inside your head screams "get the fuck out now, now!"
It's the anticipation after a call is made to late or to many hollow suggestions are heard.
It's a ninth percent chance they are full of shit, yet every girl sits there and tells you to wait it out.
Maybe he is just unorganised? Busy? Out of reception?
Never do they say he is just full of shit.
But let's indulge shall we,
Option A: unorganised:
Will never be on time, never make solid plans or commitments ending in the awkward couple dates when your other half doesn't show no doubt.
Option B: busy:
Sexless, dull nights which result in you buying a cat and taking up knitting, your the perfect spinster in training.
Option C: out if reception:
Refer to option b
Option D: full of shit:
Gtfo and return to a life soaked in vodka, workouts, flings and indulgence.
Which would you take?
Spinster or gtfo
It's the anticipation after a call is made to late or to many hollow suggestions are heard.
It's a ninth percent chance they are full of shit, yet every girl sits there and tells you to wait it out.
Maybe he is just unorganised? Busy? Out of reception?
Never do they say he is just full of shit.
But let's indulge shall we,
Option A: unorganised:
Will never be on time, never make solid plans or commitments ending in the awkward couple dates when your other half doesn't show no doubt.
Option B: busy:
Sexless, dull nights which result in you buying a cat and taking up knitting, your the perfect spinster in training.
Option C: out if reception:
Refer to option b
Option D: full of shit:
Gtfo and return to a life soaked in vodka, workouts, flings and indulgence.
Which would you take?
Spinster or gtfo
Tuesday, 26 February 2013
Comedians have it right
I wish I was a comedian sometimes.
Why?
I cope with my downfalls by seeing the humour in them, I wish I could articulate myself well enough to get others to share in what a disaster my life can be.
How many comedians can make living out of jokes about the slum they live in or erectile dysfunction they experience?
Then we could all share in my weekly experiences such as my epilator running out of battery... Did you know when it runs out of battery the clamp doesn't release?
I do now.
Why?
I cope with my downfalls by seeing the humour in them, I wish I could articulate myself well enough to get others to share in what a disaster my life can be.
How many comedians can make living out of jokes about the slum they live in or erectile dysfunction they experience?
Then we could all share in my weekly experiences such as my epilator running out of battery... Did you know when it runs out of battery the clamp doesn't release?
I do now.
Sunday, 24 February 2013
Suddenly asexual
Just watched an elephant give birth on tv... Imagine that?
Ten people surrounding you and a million more watching via tv all starring at your bijingo as it splits to the holy heavens.....
Dear god... No one needs that!
Ten people surrounding you and a million more watching via tv all starring at your bijingo as it splits to the holy heavens.....
Dear god... No one needs that!
Saturday, 23 February 2013
Fatty fatty fat fat... The door ain't wide enough for you
Today I saw a full length mirror in a club...
My mirror at home has been dubbed a "skinny" mirror... I must have become comfortable with this... I am far from fit ATM...
Dancing to my guys exs new hit song I realise it is time to hit the tread mill of else I will become the Jubba the hutt of the comic below :(
My mirror at home has been dubbed a "skinny" mirror... I must have become comfortable with this... I am far from fit ATM...
Dancing to my guys exs new hit song I realise it is time to hit the tread mill of else I will become the Jubba the hutt of the comic below :(
Friday, 22 February 2013
One picture can change your perspective on everything
I never understood why guys got so excited over two girls making out. Today that changed.
I get it now. I totally get it.
I get it now. I totally get it.
Wednesday, 20 February 2013
Objectified
ob·jec·ti·fy (b-jkt-f)
tr.v. ob·jec·ti·fied, ob·jec·ti·fy·ing, ob·jec·ti·fies
1. To present or regard as an object: "Because we have objectified animals, we are able to treat them impersonally" (Barry Lopez).
2. To make objective, external, or concrete: thoughts objectified in art.
ob·jecti·fi·cation (-f-kshn) n.
ob·jecti·fier n.
In my experience it takes three times, the first you feel wanted, the second desired... The third used.
You'll know it's happened because not a single thought will be given to your needs unlike the first time and you will sleep alone yet in the same bed.
Try feel empowered when you receive nothing.
It doesn't work. I cannot justify such stupidity and naivety on my behalf.
tr.v. ob·jec·ti·fied, ob·jec·ti·fy·ing, ob·jec·ti·fies
1. To present or regard as an object: "Because we have objectified animals, we are able to treat them impersonally" (Barry Lopez).
2. To make objective, external, or concrete: thoughts objectified in art.
ob·jecti·fi·cation (-f-kshn) n.
ob·jecti·fier n.
In my experience it takes three times, the first you feel wanted, the second desired... The third used.
You'll know it's happened because not a single thought will be given to your needs unlike the first time and you will sleep alone yet in the same bed.
Try feel empowered when you receive nothing.
It doesn't work. I cannot justify such stupidity and naivety on my behalf.
Strangers make my single days
Don't you love when you are out having lunch and someone unbelievably attractive catches your eye... Why? Because they keep glancing at you.
What a wonderful way to spend lunch.
What a wonderful day:)
What a wonderful way to spend lunch.
What a wonderful day:)
Tuesday, 19 February 2013
Smart is sexy
What is it about my city that makes men intolerably stupid?
Well not just any men, but men of the mid to late twenties bracket.
The last guy I was seeing was gorgeous, successful, travelling the world managing a band and amazing in bed (mind blowing) but every time he opened his mouth my cervix closed over.
Our time together ended with me losing it and telling him only a desperate thirty year old wanting to feel young again with out being a pedophile would find any enjoyment with him.
Of course that statement was after he asked me to pick him up in a cab and grab him a burger on the way.... Display of his stupidity.
The guy I have been on a few dates with now (like I said before) is charismatic, caring, sexy, naughty, successful and intellectually intriguing but when it comes to getting him to engage in a conversation I may as well just chat to myself.
He gives me nothing. It's beyond disappointing because he is amazing and I know he is so interesting.
What women have these men dated in the past?
I am of average intelligence and even I struggle to feel stimulated. Sure for casual sex in which they show up and then leave the next morning, no coffee, no conversation. Awesome! Be as daft as you want. But when going on dates...ARE YOU SERIOUS?
The guy ATM... He is bright, extremely bright. I can tell! It's like he is scared of using his brain in conversation... Like that would be the antichrist to my sex drive.
Do you know how many nerds I've almost jumped simply because their intelligence astounded me?
Where are these men who are bright, attractive and sexually driven??
Can I not have my cake and eat it too?
I can't maintain a relationship with a brick wall no matter how great the sex is. If anyone ever reads this... Please I beg of you, use your brain. Don't fear being a nerd or an idiot at least try to use what you have... People like a healthy challenge.
Well not just any men, but men of the mid to late twenties bracket.
The last guy I was seeing was gorgeous, successful, travelling the world managing a band and amazing in bed (mind blowing) but every time he opened his mouth my cervix closed over.
Our time together ended with me losing it and telling him only a desperate thirty year old wanting to feel young again with out being a pedophile would find any enjoyment with him.
Of course that statement was after he asked me to pick him up in a cab and grab him a burger on the way.... Display of his stupidity.
The guy I have been on a few dates with now (like I said before) is charismatic, caring, sexy, naughty, successful and intellectually intriguing but when it comes to getting him to engage in a conversation I may as well just chat to myself.
He gives me nothing. It's beyond disappointing because he is amazing and I know he is so interesting.
What women have these men dated in the past?
I am of average intelligence and even I struggle to feel stimulated. Sure for casual sex in which they show up and then leave the next morning, no coffee, no conversation. Awesome! Be as daft as you want. But when going on dates...ARE YOU SERIOUS?
The guy ATM... He is bright, extremely bright. I can tell! It's like he is scared of using his brain in conversation... Like that would be the antichrist to my sex drive.
Do you know how many nerds I've almost jumped simply because their intelligence astounded me?
Where are these men who are bright, attractive and sexually driven??
Can I not have my cake and eat it too?
I can't maintain a relationship with a brick wall no matter how great the sex is. If anyone ever reads this... Please I beg of you, use your brain. Don't fear being a nerd or an idiot at least try to use what you have... People like a healthy challenge.
I hate phone calls, they are awkward, expensive and it's hard to catch someone if you call them.
Texts are free, accessible whenever and easy to reply too.
The person in my life who doesn't seem to get this is going to make me so mad!!! Even just a text before a call or request would make life so much easier.
Even my nanna can text! Rage
Texts are free, accessible whenever and easy to reply too.
The person in my life who doesn't seem to get this is going to make me so mad!!! Even just a text before a call or request would make life so much easier.
Even my nanna can text! Rage
Saturday, 16 February 2013
Friday, 15 February 2013
I have come to realise it is in my nature to mentally ignore my emotions while my body takes em on at full force. Heart ache converts to horniness, anxiety to relentless stomach pains, apprehension into poor co ordination.
Today I am a mixture of all of these. Until now consuming food was undesirable and my sexual frustration peaked with me going for three runs in the rain. I hate running.
Why? Because I always fuck things up. I begin to like something, actually begin to hope and then I fuck it up in anyway I can.
This time it was head in a toilet, ass up, poorly dressed, nervous and fugly fucking up.
I despise myself.
Now excuse me as I take my horny, in pain tripping over everything self back to work.
I'm going to buy a cat.
Today I am a mixture of all of these. Until now consuming food was undesirable and my sexual frustration peaked with me going for three runs in the rain. I hate running.
Why? Because I always fuck things up. I begin to like something, actually begin to hope and then I fuck it up in anyway I can.
This time it was head in a toilet, ass up, poorly dressed, nervous and fugly fucking up.
I despise myself.
Now excuse me as I take my horny, in pain tripping over everything self back to work.
I'm going to buy a cat.
Monday, 11 February 2013
Life from 2012 till eternity
Fact, getting older means marriage and babies... Everywhere.
Every post, friend, party, shopping adventure.
Everywhere....
Feel old yet?
Every post, friend, party, shopping adventure.
Everywhere....
Feel old yet?
At very worst...
A single statement can determine the outcome of the night. The predetermined expectation is set as you simply describe the clubs desperate circle to the new comers.
"If you don't get hit on in this club something MAY ASWELL be wrong with you"
These words should mean nothing to me, the week prior I picked up twice in this club alone. Why would it matter? I'm now seeing someone, an ex is calling at the door... Is life not complex enough?
The new man.
Standing on the brink of something we do not perceive ourselves to deserve, one may find themselves baffled and screaming for self validation. Scanning the club for glances from a lustful stranger who will remind us we are desirable, behaviour which single handedly threatens the potential desire of the partner who ,in our own words, is far to enchanting for someone of our calibre.
Too myself, dating is an equation.
Two partners are always an equal... Whether its equal in looks and intelligence, or perhaps, just equal in any commonly desired characteristics such as humour, background, stability, personality and so on and so forth.
The maths consumes my head once again as a man enters my life ticking every box.
The intelligence, looks, life style, talent, humour and age... my cabbage eating, coffee addicted life can not compare.
I'm convinced after sex he will run, so why do I sleep with him?
I mean, he appears perfect but I am to wise for that, he will not call again I tell myself.
I'm sure I am one in a hundred (or in his case two hundred) and probably even ten this very moment so I expect to hear nothing.
But he calls the next day, and the next, even the next.
What absurdity is this?
What world have I entered in which a man says he will call and calls?
I express my confusion to my house mates, I ask "why me?"
Am I thankful? Well sure I am.
But the equation doesn't add up... I don't fit the formula for him, I am not an equal and therefore I can not sit here and honestly believe I am not about to be replaced.
Secretly I hope I won't be.
Back in the club I scan the dance floor for even a set of eyes to remind me I am pretty... I am something unique, even if that something is purely defined by my physical being.
I suppose this is asking to much considering I am wearing a plain t shirt and am soaked from the rain.
Even in a club that stinks of desperation the drowned rat look will get you no takers.
Alas, There is no antidote to my anxiety tonight, only time will allow me to know if my equation adds up as I predict it does.
Being single... It's a cocktail of men, some forgettable, some regrettable and at very worst some so addictive you spend your days waiting for a night to give into that desire again and again and again.
"If you don't get hit on in this club something MAY ASWELL be wrong with you"
These words should mean nothing to me, the week prior I picked up twice in this club alone. Why would it matter? I'm now seeing someone, an ex is calling at the door... Is life not complex enough?
The new man.
Standing on the brink of something we do not perceive ourselves to deserve, one may find themselves baffled and screaming for self validation. Scanning the club for glances from a lustful stranger who will remind us we are desirable, behaviour which single handedly threatens the potential desire of the partner who ,in our own words, is far to enchanting for someone of our calibre.
Too myself, dating is an equation.
Two partners are always an equal... Whether its equal in looks and intelligence, or perhaps, just equal in any commonly desired characteristics such as humour, background, stability, personality and so on and so forth.
The maths consumes my head once again as a man enters my life ticking every box.
The intelligence, looks, life style, talent, humour and age... my cabbage eating, coffee addicted life can not compare.
I'm convinced after sex he will run, so why do I sleep with him?
I mean, he appears perfect but I am to wise for that, he will not call again I tell myself.
I'm sure I am one in a hundred (or in his case two hundred) and probably even ten this very moment so I expect to hear nothing.
But he calls the next day, and the next, even the next.
What absurdity is this?
What world have I entered in which a man says he will call and calls?
I express my confusion to my house mates, I ask "why me?"
Am I thankful? Well sure I am.
But the equation doesn't add up... I don't fit the formula for him, I am not an equal and therefore I can not sit here and honestly believe I am not about to be replaced.
Secretly I hope I won't be.
Back in the club I scan the dance floor for even a set of eyes to remind me I am pretty... I am something unique, even if that something is purely defined by my physical being.
I suppose this is asking to much considering I am wearing a plain t shirt and am soaked from the rain.
Even in a club that stinks of desperation the drowned rat look will get you no takers.
Alas, There is no antidote to my anxiety tonight, only time will allow me to know if my equation adds up as I predict it does.
Being single... It's a cocktail of men, some forgettable, some regrettable and at very worst some so addictive you spend your days waiting for a night to give into that desire again and again and again.
A few days earlier
Occasionally in life opportunities arise for us to taste something new...
A lifestyle so glamorous, carefree, divine... someone sits you down and intoxicates you story after story. The people, the parties, the unknown mystery. Its a lifestyle of drugs and rock'n'roll, the sort you imagined as a reckless teen on your bright pink bed spread watching almost famous. A life style you felt you'd long out grown but then the devil raise his finger and beckons you closer.
You find yourself sitting on the edge of the devils water being gently coaxed in, they'll call you things, desirable and dirty things which empower a hidden part of you,a part you never even knew existed. This venture alone will make you increasingly aware of what this will lead to but curiosity will take a hold and slowly your dark desire awakens.
You'll act as though transformed into someone who is child like, easily manipulated and mouldable into a fantasy that is anything but your own whilst all at once maintaining the outer image of a grown woman, objectified, not completely helpless but never forget, my dear, your brain has little function or reason here.
It's a lifestyle beyond your own and you must quickly adapt to it or suffer a complete fundamental metamorphism from the experience, a metamorphism which you can not return.
What will you do? Will you turn away and forever wonder what may have been? Or will you wade right in and pray you can protect your core values. Protect everything you are.
A lifestyle so glamorous, carefree, divine... someone sits you down and intoxicates you story after story. The people, the parties, the unknown mystery. Its a lifestyle of drugs and rock'n'roll, the sort you imagined as a reckless teen on your bright pink bed spread watching almost famous. A life style you felt you'd long out grown but then the devil raise his finger and beckons you closer.
You find yourself sitting on the edge of the devils water being gently coaxed in, they'll call you things, desirable and dirty things which empower a hidden part of you,a part you never even knew existed. This venture alone will make you increasingly aware of what this will lead to but curiosity will take a hold and slowly your dark desire awakens.
You'll act as though transformed into someone who is child like, easily manipulated and mouldable into a fantasy that is anything but your own whilst all at once maintaining the outer image of a grown woman, objectified, not completely helpless but never forget, my dear, your brain has little function or reason here.
It's a lifestyle beyond your own and you must quickly adapt to it or suffer a complete fundamental metamorphism from the experience, a metamorphism which you can not return.
What will you do? Will you turn away and forever wonder what may have been? Or will you wade right in and pray you can protect your core values. Protect everything you are.
Wednesday, 6 February 2013
A few weeks on...
Almost two months since my last post, why? I suppose I found my emotional feet and lost the urge to vent my fears, or perhaps I vented a little to openly over a bottle or two of wine on the lounge room floor....well multiple floors on multiple occasions.
What followed the last post was a horrid three week binge in which my body became effectively a jar of pickled organs. Vodka, wine, bourbon, cider, yager bombs... Glass after glass. Night after night.
I became a woo girl (please refer to himym) and even for a while seduced an older man.
What is it about taking a lover that fills me with such a thrill?
I don't take lovers to define my worth or even in the hope that they will turn out to love me. I find a man, smile, flutter my eyes, screw him like an animal for a few random nights then drop him feeling totally liberated by my ability to a) act interested/innocent and b) be one of the few women I know who truly detaches themselves as a lover. I am liberated by the fact i am a complete soul destroying, bed rocking, man crushing succubus.
The other night I went as far as to take foreigner for a midnight trip around my city (however sexless) on the day my ex arrived home and two days after the man I was going to move state for confesses he loves me!
Why? Perhaps my exs untimely return reminds me of his distaste for my sex life. Of course it is not bad at all, I am moderate by today's societies standards but you see I had more then him... How dare a woman have slept with more people then her man.
And now he stands there telling me he wants to marry me... Me the girl he once called a "whore" who never left his side whilst we were together.
That's all a whore is though isn't it? It's our personal perception which is projected upon those around us.
O dear, o dear, o dear.
I am glad to announce however that I am starting a new course in July.... When one part of your life comes together, another part falls ever so spectacularly apart.
What followed the last post was a horrid three week binge in which my body became effectively a jar of pickled organs. Vodka, wine, bourbon, cider, yager bombs... Glass after glass. Night after night.
I became a woo girl (please refer to himym) and even for a while seduced an older man.
What is it about taking a lover that fills me with such a thrill?
I don't take lovers to define my worth or even in the hope that they will turn out to love me. I find a man, smile, flutter my eyes, screw him like an animal for a few random nights then drop him feeling totally liberated by my ability to a) act interested/innocent and b) be one of the few women I know who truly detaches themselves as a lover. I am liberated by the fact i am a complete soul destroying, bed rocking, man crushing succubus.
The other night I went as far as to take foreigner for a midnight trip around my city (however sexless) on the day my ex arrived home and two days after the man I was going to move state for confesses he loves me!
Why? Perhaps my exs untimely return reminds me of his distaste for my sex life. Of course it is not bad at all, I am moderate by today's societies standards but you see I had more then him... How dare a woman have slept with more people then her man.
And now he stands there telling me he wants to marry me... Me the girl he once called a "whore" who never left his side whilst we were together.
That's all a whore is though isn't it? It's our personal perception which is projected upon those around us.
O dear, o dear, o dear.
I am glad to announce however that I am starting a new course in July.... When one part of your life comes together, another part falls ever so spectacularly apart.
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