If I could separate the soul into fragmented physical pieces right now I would stand in a brick room learing over my 18 year old self. She would cower into a corner as I screamed "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS YOU SLUT!! How could you fall in love"
I'd slam her head into the wall three times, screaming in agony over what is yet to become of her... "You stupid bitch... You stupid stupid bitch!"
She'd fall into a corner crying, stammering to find the words to describe how she feels about him.... How I felt. I could sit and hold her... Tell her I understood but god knows I'd leave her in a pool of blood, confused, ashamed... Ugly.
Do you not understand?
This is what I do every night... A small part of me is punished... Bruised, pulled... Can you see it?
Monday, 13 May 2013
Its 1:30 am. I sit and run my hands over a series of long raised sticky lines along my chest... The sting numbs my head as I close my cloudy eyes.
Three lost of news struck my confused ears tonight.... 1. I was used for sex 2. The man who loved me loves me no more 3. The man who thought he could love me found some else.
I sit numb in the cab... Why do I care? Why would I?
I've been contemplating for weeks taking a vow of celibacy till marriage, so why is this news such a weight on my soul? Why do I struggle to breathe or find my sense of worth in these circumstances of perspective.
I laugh until I cannot breathe before locking myself behind our heavy wooden bathroom door. My knees give way as a part of me consumes itself in self mutilation. Scratches to my breast and thighs. My fists punch my upper arm....
You worthless breath of life ... My head hisses into the painful thuds of pain.
How daft your sinful self Is!
How could this ever change for you?
Your used... Dried up.
No one could love you now.
Die... Die... Die
I wrap myself tight in my Doona and expel my thoughts to paper as naturally as a breath of fresh air.
Sleep is all I wish for now.
Sleep so I manage tomorrow...
Tomorrow so I live through today...
Today so one day I accept this..
Let it be over... Over... Over.... Please?
Three lost of news struck my confused ears tonight.... 1. I was used for sex 2. The man who loved me loves me no more 3. The man who thought he could love me found some else.
I sit numb in the cab... Why do I care? Why would I?
I've been contemplating for weeks taking a vow of celibacy till marriage, so why is this news such a weight on my soul? Why do I struggle to breathe or find my sense of worth in these circumstances of perspective.
I laugh until I cannot breathe before locking myself behind our heavy wooden bathroom door. My knees give way as a part of me consumes itself in self mutilation. Scratches to my breast and thighs. My fists punch my upper arm....
You worthless breath of life ... My head hisses into the painful thuds of pain.
How daft your sinful self Is!
How could this ever change for you?
Your used... Dried up.
No one could love you now.
Die... Die... Die
I wrap myself tight in my Doona and expel my thoughts to paper as naturally as a breath of fresh air.
Sleep is all I wish for now.
Sleep so I manage tomorrow...
Tomorrow so I live through today...
Today so one day I accept this..
Let it be over... Over... Over.... Please?
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