A night spent dreaming

I wake up heavy from reality, in my dream I am seductive, intelligent, elusive. I smile, giggle, flirt and tease on lookers. I overcome my fears with ease and celebrate with the one I secretly lusted after.
My reality is an empty bed, messy room and the noise of a busy street. I slowly head to my friends to collect yesterday's dumped collective thrown with little care after work in a hurry to get out. We converse over mac and cheese with her loved one while laughing at day time tv and it's pathetic viewers. We even acknowledge the irony that we are such viewers. After a few full bowls of fat covered carbs flying out of our mouths as we scream at judge Judy's clients the conversation of heading out props up and with little apprehension the night is planned.
I put on my heels and an average dress, flip my hair and hope my basic make up sees me through. Two clubs later I feel like a giant. I myself am not a tall girl.... But the men seem tiny today and I only have one type and that type is tall. After three fruitless hours we leave the club, I bid my party farewell and promise to call if my "risky" walk home turns sour.
Time passes, kilometers are walked and my double fudge Sunday drips down my arm as my eyes willow up with tears. Alone... I am walking alone. It is all my head repeats... Alone again. 

I arrive home to an email from my newly found ex, I console in him about last night and he express his admiration for me. We were never in love, we were like will and grace, best friends but never lovers. I miss his tender kisses and ability to keep me sane. I long for his return but until then I jus find my feet, rediscover my soul and out grow my childish quirks. 

I curl up in my bed praying for sleep, my dreams are better then reality. If I could stay asleep forever god knows I would.

Back to being single.
So tonight I suppose was my rerelease since my break up from my safety blanket ( as my friend called him) I wasn't expecting to hook up, even imaging it... In fact it filled me with guilt. But a few glasses of wine later and you find yourself thinking don't you?  You may not have intend it but there with your half worn of makeup messy hair and flat shoes you find yourself noticing someone. They, in my case, are always very tall, very strong and very attractive. This of course entitles them to a flood of women. Tonight was no exception. Girl after girl flirted with this gorgeous specimen all being knocked back eventually. Then he approached me... Unsuspecting, unprepared, in dignified me. The usual questions are fired and the answers unheard over the music, the perfect set up for the request to move to some where quieter. Advances acknowledged we move to a quiet corner. I gather the details ... 25, single, media, originally Adelaide. My head calculates the answers as though each is worth a point into my pants... Doing well I think to myself. An abrupt wake up call comes when he is asked to head home.. The following conversation occurs.
"what are your plans tonight? Should I go home?"
(staying out as long as it takes for you to get my number... No of course you shouldn't stay up all night with me!)
" are you working tomorrow?"
(no... Don't you want to walk me home? Stroll through the city? Live a life of whimsy for the night? Skinny dip in the Harbour? Climb a tree? Sleep at mine maybe... Perhaps)
" are you coming home to bondi with me?"
(... Fuck.... Well obviously no... Morally and ethically no, not just after I meet you... Later maybe. Now no! Fuck fuck fuck...)
The only no fired from my lips and he dashes like cinderella at midnight.... I act unoffended, relieved in fact. secretly I wish he was Cinderella so I could find him with the shoes he left and club him to death with it.
I wish my friends good bye laughing about what an idiot he was. The hour walk home is one of tears and reflection. Single... That's right. I remember single.

Bridget jones here I come. 

Realization number one

I was brought up in a generation who was told they could be anything, each one of us a unique snowflake destined to be whatever we desired... Our youthful minds couldn't even comprehend the truth which no one eluded to. After all wouldn't check out chicks, cleaners and prostitutes still exist once we matured. None the less even as we grew to learn the truth our core belief we were destined for greater things stood strong, slowly it became those who did not finish school who would fill those positions in our minds, those who did not go to university. Never did it cross our minds whilst working two jobs and completing a degree that perhaps just perhaps there was a mundane existence in our futures too.
I remember at fifteen having this fire in my soul which made me light up thinking about my future on my fuchsia bed spread late into the night. I always believed, no I knew I would make a difference. I counted down everyday until the end of high school nervously awaiting news I had been accepted into university to become a nurse, finally the day came. University baffled me, I lost weight, suffered anxiety attacks, took up smoking, barely passed the theory and bluffed my way through practicals. Pre readings for class were never done and my eyes hung heavy managing three nights a week of dance, three days a week of work and five days of university studies often waking at 5:30am to take the two hour trip to my early lectures. Against all odds and with little social support I struggled through three years abusing diets, having sex, partying far to much, falling in love, being broken hearted and moving from house to house. My first day on the practical job filled me with apprehension but I soon learnt I was a skilled nurse, I learnt quickly, studied hard, took every opportunity I had and fell I love with my occupation. I was a nurse, my life was extraordinary. Finally it made sense, my unique calling this was it....
My fall from grace. I hold my breathe opening an email from new farm clinic three years of communication and two official applications later I finally know if I will have my dream job. I have to read the email twice, once to myself and once to my mother out loud. "we regret to inform you".... Funding, they no longer could fund an education program. I sigh and optimistically mention my other options. It hits me as I walk around the corner to my room, this will not be the first time this happens to me... Funding is cut from everywhere, my first preference rejects me. No one else has vacancies.
I am no longer to be a nurse... I become a check out chick.