Expect the worst' receive the best

Whenever I'm facing circumstances in which I may get hurt I find my mind running through the worst case scenarios.

I do no mean this in a negative way however my theory goes like this,
the more I make the lest case scenario more real the less it hurts me if it actually occurs. And if it doesn't, as one would hope it wouldn't, then I am happy.

That's not pessimistic right?

Here again

So there it is again,
Sitting on my partners couch as he answers the drunk phone to a screaming girl.
My existence goes unmentioned and I try to pretend it does not concern me as I sit salient on the couch.

This feeling,
I've always wondered if this feeling makes my heart race faster or slower.
Either way I feel horrid.
I sink the rest of my wine still hearing the murmurs of conversation from a room I have escaped.

Moment like this make us think.
Is this fear a result of something we should truly be concerned about or is it learnt from all the past exs who taught us we couldn't trust.

I watch a scene unfolds parallel to that I've experienced before. I feel sick, horrified, disgusted. I want to run, hide, leave, escape.

What am I doing here?

Take this ring, store it safe away. Ill wear it on another rainy day.

Sometimes I wish I was stupid.
To be one of those people who are completely shocked when their partner has cheated on them.
I wish I didn't see the signs that lead up to those moments.
Why?
Because the signs are common, human even.
In every relationship there will be moments when signs pop up, but you can't condemn someone for the little slip ups or strayed intent.

My new partner is going away to see a friend. The friend has no name when they are brought up, they are just a friend. No back story, no explanation, no general mention.
I know the friends name because I'm not stupid.
I refuse to be in a relationship which snoop around each others phones etc but I've seen messages from her because she's messaged whilst he has been driving or making us dinner.

I don't believe he will do anything with her, but I do know he is placing himself in a position of temptation. If it wasn't she wouldn't be hidden from my knowledge.

As my stomach sinks with news of his departure I remind myself he is human, I am human. I have learnt to worry without showing jealousy because of my past, perhaps him hiding her is a learnt behaviour from a jealous ex in.the past?

I cannot judge, I will not judge.

I trust him, yes, it seems he is playing with fire but who hasn't. It doesn't set actions in stone or prove the worst intent is true. So I have no real concern.

After all if he were to act upon his rather poor intent I would do what I have learnt from experience. I would get on with life.

Home sick

The biggest shock out of moving out of home isn't the laundry or bills. It's the first time you cry.
Every time you burst into tears in your family home, help is only a wall away. Someone is always around the corner to hold you.
When you move out of home suddenly your alone, completely alone.
Every sob is unheard, every tear invisible... Suddenly it hits you.
Your alone.
I've never missed home so much.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Today is a splendid winters day. I sit on the harbours edge watching the streams of light through the water ripple up and down with the sound of boats clinking and kids screaming at the local theme park.
This spot has been confined to only happy memories of late night swims, bottles of wine and anonymous affairs. I come here to think.

Today a childhood friend announced his engagement, although not surprising, it is a shock to see someone a year junior to me in such a secure, blissful state.
My day yesterday shows the stark contrast between my own life development and his.
Whilst he slipped a ring on to his young fiancées finger not having even left university yet, I the university graduate had to come to terms with my feelings of insignificance in light of my partners ex.

Every time we are together she calls. She calls, she messages, she snapchats, she facebooks. If she turned up on the doorstep I would not be overly shocked.
I do not want her to be abesnt in his life, she is a big part of him.
But as the new girl my feelings of vulnerability are truly heightened in light of her persistent and constant contact.
Does he answer the calls when I'm around? No. Does he text her? No. Does he look at the snap chats? No.
Am I naive enough to think he doesn't when I'm not? No.
Do I believe they were still having sex when we first hooked up? Maybe.
Do I think they are having sex now? No.
Do I think she would? Yes.
Do I think he would? I truly don't know.
But why does it bother me? More to the point why does it matter.

Yes there is a visible difference between my life and my friends, but I do not want marriage or kids right now.
I do however know I want for once to be in a relationship where I feel secure and actually like the person.
With douche bag número UNO I was madly in love but never secure, with the sweet lanky lady boy I was always secure but never in love.

So now I stand here holding the hand of a guy who is moving state, has an overly attached ex and openly admitted they broke up because he wanted to have some fun hoping maybe he may actually like me and even offer me security. It's absurd when I know psychologically he may just be falling into this relationship because relationships are all he knows... It's absurd when I know he is moving away... It's absurd when his ex is clearly still in love with him... It's absurd because I don't want to get hurt yet I'm allowing myself to fall into this.

The only thing more absurd is how I can sit on the edge of this wharf and know I will continue to see him.
Why?
Well, he makes me laugh... I feel happy, healthy even. So maybe it's just something that needs to happen.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Lazy days off

My days off always fill me with a juxtaposition of contentment and restlessness.
Sitting in my dimly lit dwelling watching the dancing flames of candles and the sound of feet passing on the street above, I contemplate how to spend my day.

I live in one of these most picturesque parts of my city with people well above my calibre. Multiple fine restaurants within a short walk and small niche boutiques.
The house are old yet well kept with landscaped gardens, picket fences and giant trees uprooting the old tar roads.
If I had a camera I would spend my days capturing its splendour and the secrets delights which are so often over looked.
Here I sit contemplating how to spend my day, seconds tick past as I grow forever anxious laying lazily on the middle of my bed.
What a joy it is to not have to move, what a waste it is to stay so still on such a stunning winters day.
Perhaps I should go to the library, the harbour, the cafe? Perhaps to an art gallery a short walk away?
Where I used to live I would walk hours just to go to the local grocery store and yet there I seemed to accomplish more in a day then I do here.
So where shall I go? What shall I see?
Tick, tick, tick..

Tremendous changes

It has been such a long time since I have written in this blog, perhaps because lately I have not been as mentally tormented as I was prior. Perhaps I have been to buried in my work? My newly found love life?

The scratches I spoke about earlier were deep enough to turn into faint scars and the past lovers I have confessed so much about have all left town.

The last few months I have found myself drifting between a career which is going tremendously, unexpected parties due to the talented people I have met and whom i am now proud to call my friends and a drunken night which has blossomed into a seemingly healthy relationship.

I have achieved more in one of my jobs then I ever assumed I could achieve even if my entire life had been dedicated to it.
I run a business successfully, clean my room regularly and my skin has cleared up perfectly.
I have gained weight and found it tolerable.
I have read more, ate more and god knows I have laughed more then ever.

Life right now is beautiful and forgiving compared to earlier this year.
It seems as though I have finally found my feet.

This I could live with forever.