Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Today is a splendid winters day. I sit on the harbours edge watching the streams of light through the water ripple up and down with the sound of boats clinking and kids screaming at the local theme park.
This spot has been confined to only happy memories of late night swims, bottles of wine and anonymous affairs. I come here to think.

Today a childhood friend announced his engagement, although not surprising, it is a shock to see someone a year junior to me in such a secure, blissful state.
My day yesterday shows the stark contrast between my own life development and his.
Whilst he slipped a ring on to his young fiancées finger not having even left university yet, I the university graduate had to come to terms with my feelings of insignificance in light of my partners ex.

Every time we are together she calls. She calls, she messages, she snapchats, she facebooks. If she turned up on the doorstep I would not be overly shocked.
I do not want her to be abesnt in his life, she is a big part of him.
But as the new girl my feelings of vulnerability are truly heightened in light of her persistent and constant contact.
Does he answer the calls when I'm around? No. Does he text her? No. Does he look at the snap chats? No.
Am I naive enough to think he doesn't when I'm not? No.
Do I believe they were still having sex when we first hooked up? Maybe.
Do I think they are having sex now? No.
Do I think she would? Yes.
Do I think he would? I truly don't know.
But why does it bother me? More to the point why does it matter.

Yes there is a visible difference between my life and my friends, but I do not want marriage or kids right now.
I do however know I want for once to be in a relationship where I feel secure and actually like the person.
With douche bag número UNO I was madly in love but never secure, with the sweet lanky lady boy I was always secure but never in love.

So now I stand here holding the hand of a guy who is moving state, has an overly attached ex and openly admitted they broke up because he wanted to have some fun hoping maybe he may actually like me and even offer me security. It's absurd when I know psychologically he may just be falling into this relationship because relationships are all he knows... It's absurd when I know he is moving away... It's absurd when his ex is clearly still in love with him... It's absurd because I don't want to get hurt yet I'm allowing myself to fall into this.

The only thing more absurd is how I can sit on the edge of this wharf and know I will continue to see him.
Why?
Well, he makes me laugh... I feel happy, healthy even. So maybe it's just something that needs to happen.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Lazy days off

My days off always fill me with a juxtaposition of contentment and restlessness.
Sitting in my dimly lit dwelling watching the dancing flames of candles and the sound of feet passing on the street above, I contemplate how to spend my day.

I live in one of these most picturesque parts of my city with people well above my calibre. Multiple fine restaurants within a short walk and small niche boutiques.
The house are old yet well kept with landscaped gardens, picket fences and giant trees uprooting the old tar roads.
If I had a camera I would spend my days capturing its splendour and the secrets delights which are so often over looked.
Here I sit contemplating how to spend my day, seconds tick past as I grow forever anxious laying lazily on the middle of my bed.
What a joy it is to not have to move, what a waste it is to stay so still on such a stunning winters day.
Perhaps I should go to the library, the harbour, the cafe? Perhaps to an art gallery a short walk away?
Where I used to live I would walk hours just to go to the local grocery store and yet there I seemed to accomplish more in a day then I do here.
So where shall I go? What shall I see?
Tick, tick, tick..

Tremendous changes

It has been such a long time since I have written in this blog, perhaps because lately I have not been as mentally tormented as I was prior. Perhaps I have been to buried in my work? My newly found love life?

The scratches I spoke about earlier were deep enough to turn into faint scars and the past lovers I have confessed so much about have all left town.

The last few months I have found myself drifting between a career which is going tremendously, unexpected parties due to the talented people I have met and whom i am now proud to call my friends and a drunken night which has blossomed into a seemingly healthy relationship.

I have achieved more in one of my jobs then I ever assumed I could achieve even if my entire life had been dedicated to it.
I run a business successfully, clean my room regularly and my skin has cleared up perfectly.
I have gained weight and found it tolerable.
I have read more, ate more and god knows I have laughed more then ever.

Life right now is beautiful and forgiving compared to earlier this year.
It seems as though I have finally found my feet.

This I could live with forever.